Clubbing and pubbing are a major part of life if we’re looking to pull. Everyone knows that if you are after a quickie it’s so easy to pick up a slapper who, by 2 in the morning, is desperate to get a bit of loving from anyone and everyone. But how do you pick up the girl of your dreams on the dance floor – the one that every man is looking at and wants. What makes or breaks your record? Pattie Kempton, our very own sex-pert, explains all. “Picking up a girl on the dance floor is harder than it looks – but then isn’t everything in life? Picking up any girl is hard enough – don’t get me wrong, I do sympathise with you lads – but picking up that all important dream ladee or shag is just in another league. But there are some simple do’s and don’ts which could make all the difference to you – after all a Skoda (however much they’ve supposed to have improved) just isn’t the same as a Jag is it?”
“Firstly, don’t appear to be too drunk.”
Now this may sound both stupid and obvious, but you would be surprised at what a difference it can make. Trust me, no girl, however desperate, likes a slobbering, out of control male, breathing smelly, beery breath all over them. If you fall or trip onto a girl, knocking them or even worse pushing them over – I suggest you make a hasty exit, without a backwards glance. If you know you’ve had a lot to drink and feel out of control I suggest you give it a miss all together – you’ll only make a fool of yourself and if you’re a regular beware, your reputation may precede you – a very dangerous consequence. In the long run if you are successful you’ll only end up embarrassing yourself back at the ranch and rumours – bad ones – are a man’s nightmare.
“Try and look like you can dance.”
Now for 99% of men I know this is nearly impossible. If you’re the other 1% then thank your lucky stars – you’ve been blessed. For girls there is nothing more than a good dancer that can get your pulses racing. But on the other hand a bad dancer is the worst turn off. Now, it’s all very well me saying ‘learn to dance’ because I know dancing is hard enough – dancing well is almost impossible. Listening to the rhythm of the music, may it be dance, garage or cheesy pop, is a good starting point. Closing your eyes may help you, then once you’re satisfied, dance to that rhythm. Although you may not be dancing well, you will be dancing in time – which if anything is better than nothing. DON’T copy anyone else’s dancing, the fact is although you may think they look good – others probably won’t and if they do look good – you will probably won’t look as good – and therefore look stupid if nothing else.
“Pick the right combination.”
Clothes always catch girls’ eyes – sometimes for the wrong reasons. One key idea is to make sure you are dressed correctly or accordingly for the place you are going. Don’t wear a loud Hawaiin shirt for a Garage Night or a trendy shirt and tie duo for an Indie Night. You simply just won’t attract the right attention or girl for that matter. Also make sure that what you pick to wear at least suits you. Ask someone else’s opinion, preferably a female’s, your mum’s at the last resort – after all, they’re always biased. But a female point of view is very important – what you mates might say is probably not accurate.
Another tip is to ask females what they like to see men in – what catches their eye and what doesn’t – this will give a good general idea. Make sure that whatever you choose fits you properly. Designer labels are not always the best option. High Street names are more accessible and come in a wider range of fittings. There is no point in splashing out on an expensive top if it doesn’t fit you properly. A nice fitting shirt can turn an outfit around.
“Look like you’re enjoying yourself.”
This again may seem obvious, but you’d be surprised at how many men look unhappy or worse, desperate, when on the dance floor. Trust me, there is nothing worse than a man continually looking round for talent, almost panting. Just relax and enjoy yourself with your mates, the aura that you give out will be much healthier and happier, therefore attracting more women.
“Invest in something different.”
Personal hygiene and appearance are very important – we have already talked about clothes, but body odour is just as important. Most people, I hope, start the night smelling nice and fresh but 4 hours later it may not be the same story. Smelly men, sweating is the most repulsive thing ever – it makes me feel physically sick. Make sure you take ample measures to prevent this happening – you’ll thank me later on I promise. Also, invest in a rarer, more expensive aftershave – it’s worth it. Every man smelling the same can become quite tiresome, when one a bit different comes along – interest sparks!
“Don’t creep up.”
One of the scariest things I find when out clubbing is when men come up behind you and try and dance in time with you, sticking their crotch into your backside. The thought disturbs me! DO NOT DO THIS!! Realistically, how many men do you see have success with this method? None that I’ve seen. You may think, as you stare at your target’s bottom, that they are encouraging you, inviting you to – trust me they are not. You’re drunk and IMAGINING IT!!
And finally…”Don’t blow it.”
When eye contact has been established and you wander over, don’t blow it by a cheesy chat up line. They simply don’t work these days. They’ve been tried before you and failed so don’t fall into the trap and think you’re different – you aren’t at all. A simple”Hello”or”Can I get you a drink?”may be much more successful than a cheesy chat up line.

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